00538 Day 70, the Rake

A cautionary tale:

After hours spent trawling the Internet for information about the construction of rakes, I set about my task with the zeal of a man possessed.

When my labors were done, I stood back to survey the work.

Imagine my surprise when, upon reviewing the whole, I discovered that instead of a "long-handled implement with a row of projecting teeth at its head" (used especially to gather leaves or to loosen or smooth earth), I had instead created a "fashionable/wealthy man of dissolute or promiscuous habits".

Curse my inability to distinguish between objects and people. I must employ more stringent research methodology.

Here's what my endeavors should have yielded:

00537 Day 69, Tanks!

"At last, the new equipment has arrived, we will be able to push the foreign scum back into the sea and then we will taste the sweet, sweet brioche of victory (with marmalade, for extra sweetness). Only then will I rest, only then will I be able to return to my little cottage in the country where I will take up some random hobby or other, probably involving stamps or etching."

- knock, knock -

"Enter!"

"Greetings to you, sir, my slightly eccentric superior officer!" (salutes)

"And to you, my slightly characterless underling who plays no other significant role in this scenario, which is beginning to resemble the script for a bad play about the second world war. What news of the machinery I ordered?"

"Sir, the chief engineer has queried the specifications of the new ordinance."

"What seems to be the problem? I ordered 10 tanks with 205mm armaments, nothing more complicated."

"Ah." (turns red), "Sir, it would appear that we have instead taken delivery of 205 10mm tanks."

- silence -

"They are quite sweet, sir"

"IDIOT!!!!!!!!! CRETIN!!!!!!!!
"We will have to re-evaluate the situation and scale down the invasion plans accordingly. Assemble the troops immediately! We will attack all enemy targets which do not exceed an inch in height!"

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00536 Day 68, Tired

Excerpts from the BMJ peer-reviewed paper from 2005, relating to the little officially documented, but much (anecdotally) observed Maker's Panic:


Maker's Panic - an heuristic analysis

Subjects exhibit signs of irrational movement between projects, each of which they see as singularly important.

In many cases the time-poor maker will seize upon any idea which he or she will believe will yield a completed product before the end of a pre-determined period. The reality, of course, is that they are delusional and each task they undertake will drive them deeper into the panic.

They will eventually succumb to the realisation that all of their many efforts will be cut short, either that or they just fall asleep.

Case study - Subject L1

20:00 Subject shows classic "Large Project" leanings as he attempts to construct a PWM circuit without breadboarding.

20:30 Although the PWM project contains large amounts of detail beyond the subjects scope of comprehension, he ploughs on with only the smallest signs of doubt in his mental periphery.

21:15 The PWM project is abandonned.

21:16 Subject consumes a glass of wine.

21:20 Subject takes up mold making - a project he believes may yield some form of result because it has been underway for a number of days already.

21:45 Fairly quick realisation dawns that the cure times for RTV silicone are such that this will also be a dead-end.

21:46 Subject consumes a glass of wine.

22:00 Subject embarks on "Knight on horseback made from electrical components" project.

22:45 After looking objectively at the scale of this project the subject is clearly becoming fatigued and frustrated. The amount of time needed here is way beyond what is available before the need for sleep will take over. The panic is clearly beginning to form in the subjects mind and his thoughts are becoming erratic.

22:55 A last tired attempt to progress marks the end of the KOHMFEC project for the time being.

23:00 Subject consumes a glass of wine.

23:13 Subject now looks for a shorter duration project and decides that small paintings made on scraps of wood will suit the available time-frame.

23:45 The wood is collected and some pieces are painted, but the need for the paint to be sanded leads to the now exhausted subject finding that paint which has not dried merely paints the sandpaper leaving bare patches of wood on the "canvas".

23:55 Full blown Maker's Panic. Sweating and occasional swearing. Despondency begins to set in.

23:57 Subject consumes a glass of wine.

00:05 Subject consults lists and other forms of "inspiration", but the panic has fogged his judgement and he flits from one possibility to another at a vastly accelerated rate.

00:25 Subject is forced to confront the only possible avenue available at this late stage of the panic and picks up a sketchbook and pencil.

00:35 After drawing faint, random circles on various pages of the sketchbook an image starts to take shape.

00:50 Interestingly the subject's frustrations at being unable to finish any of the tasks he has set himself because of the approaching need for sleep seem to have manifested themselves in the project that he finally manages to complete. It is a drawing:





00:51 Subject is asleep

00535 Day 67, the Cap

I would take my hat off to Panda Face for his awesome pattern.

And the only things I'd like to add are:

1. Old trousers make awesome cycling caps
2. I wore it all evening and felt special
3. I'll be making my own patterns next
4. My old trousers are smaller than they were before this began

00534 Day 66, the Pencil

We've all been there. Stuck with a green pencil. No markings, save for "WHSmith" embossed near the end. Not even a rubber.

But what can you do?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN DO. GET HOLD OF A KNIFE AND CARVE THAT MOTHER UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now calm down and put the knife away before someone gets hurt.

00533 Day 65, the Dragonfly

I see you've spotted the Dragonfly. You have a shrewd eye, my friend. Step this way.

It may look allot like the others, but let me tell you that this baby represents a number of high dollar-value R&D top-line, state of the art, mainline feature investments (what's really impressive here is that we built her and even we don't know what that means).

Firstly notice the suspended top wing. That's right, not attached directly to the fuselage, simply held by the spars from the lower wing.

And that leads us nicely to the wing attachment itself. Unlike it's forebears, she's hiding a revolutionary new attachment protocol:

As you can see, the nose cone is a separate entity entirely and the split fuselage houses the main body of the wing where it meets the superstructure.

And in the sky? Nothing can touch her.

Why? You may well ask.

The answer is simple, no engines, inch and a half long and lying in pieces in a plastic tub - Nothing can touch her (unless you can get the tub open).

00532 Day 64, the Cube

Many years ago, I came across a number of what I think of as stange and incongruous geometric aberrations, of which the Menger Sponge is one (along with the Koch Snowflake). The Menger Sponge simultaneously exhibits an infinite surface area and encloses zero volume.

This is not it (although strictly speaking it is - but only where the process of making it has been iterated no times ... I think).

In Origami, there are allot of people who seem to be obsessed with making the Menger Sponge (to about a third iteration). Which is why, after building "the Cube" I found myself being dragged into a world of fractals and paper chaos.

Luckily, just as I was about to be trapped, I dozed off.

Phew.

00531 Day 63, the Flowire

Late at night when everyone is just about to go to sleep, from the fertile ground of the workbench, warmed by the heat of the soldering iron the Flowire springs into life.

It's tender bloom lasts only long enough for it to be captured under the glare of the strobe and then it fades.

- not because it's life cycle means that it's petals must drop as it diverts it's energy towards nurturing the new generation of seeds. No.

It's because the cats knocked over the light tent.

00530 Day 62, the Tank

Look here, Chaps, we're in a bit of a pickle.

We're surrounded, cut off from HQ, no ammo, the lads are exhausted and frankly half of them are too badly wounded to fight.

It's looking pretty bleak, I don't think we can hold out much -

- Hang on. What's that noise?

... it sounds like diesel engines! It can't be!

REINFORCEMENTS!!!!! WE'RE SAVED!!!!!!

Oh, crikey, it's only an inch long.

Corporal, do you still have that white sheet? Be a good fellow and stick it on a pole, would you?

00529 Holiday

I have kidnapped Lenny and if my demands are not met I will release him after his holiday is finished.

Here are my demands:

1. I want a plane to take me to the airport.
2. I want another plane to meet me at the airport when I get there.
3. I want custard. I like custard.
4. No silly business.
5. I want a pair of jeans that really fit me.
6. I want excerpts of my memoirs published in one of the broadsheets. Not the Independent (although technically it's not really a broadsheet anyways).
7. I want all this mess cleared up before I get back.
8. More custard.
9. I want 10.
10. Oh, thank you, that was fast.
11. I want this to be the last item on this list.

There.

You have 24 hours.

And then, perhaps, a bit more (but don't take the piss).


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00528 Day 61, Drawdio

Today I walked down a well trodden path.

But before I walked down the path, I didn't realise it was there.

I mean, it was there, I just didn't see it.

I think I was looking up at the sky.

But when I looked around I saw that, not only was I walking along this very clearly defined path, it had clearly been made by people wearing big clown shoes.

Then I looked at myself. I WAS WEARING CLOWN SHOES TOO!

Not only that, when I got to what seemed to be the end of the path, there was lots of little paths leading off from it in all different directions and all of them lead to bright, colourful towns where everyone wore huge trousers and red noses and drove cars with square wheels.

I stopped for a minute to think about what to do next.

That was when I saw the sign.

And the sign said:

WARNING:

YOU HAVE ATTEMPTED TO CONVEY MEANING IN A METAPHOR, BUT YOU ARE ILL EQUIPPED TO DO SO, AND HAVE FAILED.

PLEASE RETURN TO THE REAL WORLD WHERE YOU WILL FIND A MORE CONCISE AND INFORMATIVE EXPLANATION AS TO WHAT YOU HAVE MADE TODAY

So I just went home and made a Drawdio in order to explore the relationship between electrical resistance and sound using pencil, paper and a few electronic components (most notably a 555 timer chip).

Go to the Drawdio site and make one NOW.


Afterwards I went to get a drink from the fridge and slipped on a banana peel.

00527 Day 60, "Knockout"

"Alright, Jimmy, I want you to come out fierce on him in the second half. He won't be expecting the left, so play it nice and cool and then give it to him when he's looking at the right. Got it?"

"Yeah."

"Good boy, now get out there."

=Ding, ding=

"Smack!"

"One-a, Two-a, Three-a, Four-a, Five-a, Six-a, Seven-a, Eight-a, Nine-a.
Yoooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrr OUT!"

"You git, Jimmy"

00526 Day 59, the Brushes

In ancient Japan where a lifetime's devotion to perfecting a single discipline is held in the highest regard, there lives a man who is famed above all others.

He is a brushmaker.

He lives in a small and innocuous house that borders the edge of a placid lake from whom it is said peace and harmony are mingled in such a way as to produce waters of unrivaled purity.

It is here that he toils through the day and long into the night, producing the finest brushes from the rarest materials.

His workmanship is the stuff of legend.

His brushes fetch the highest prices and are sought out by the wealthiest of collectors.

It is said that if you were to paint but one stroke with a brush made by his hand, that the image left on the surface of the paper could tell a thousand stories if only man had the wisdom to read them.

I on the other hand, use the hair of my Daughter and that of my cats.

Cheapskate.

00525 Day 58, the Baby Amp

"Ahhh! Isn't she sweet? What's her name?"

"Well, we haven't really decided yet, seeing as she's an amp."

"Oh, I had no idea, I'm so sorry."

"It's ok, we get alot of that. We found parts of her at the dump."

"Omygosh, how awful. Do you know who the parents are?"

"No, but we're pretty sure the mother was an LM386 n-1 and the father was a flooring plank from an old French railway building. We do know that she has a home-made PCB."

"Well at least she has that going for her. Id she much of a handful?"

"Only when she gets really loud, but even then she can only crank out about 2W."

00524 Day 57, the Badge

Another day in the House.

The day began as usual, I picked up the phone. It was the Boss.

"Get your ass down here, we need a badge," she said.

"OK, give me ten to get ready," I was still groggy, it was early.

"We don't have ten, make it five and I won't throw you to the dogs."

Another crazy day.

When I got down there, there was words and drawings and the Boss was mad with all the excitement. She'd been on the sugar.

"Here's the scene, we do the badge and then we move on to the next big thing. Either that or I throw you to the dogs."

"Ok," I said. There was no point arguing, it'd only make things worse.

Twenty minutes.

"Where's the badge? I gave you the backgammon piece and the components. All you need is the battery, the safety pin and the tape. Now get to it, or I'll throw you to the dogs."

I didn't sign up for this.

Ten minutes go by, the magnets are on and the little guy is almost done. Just the circuit to do and I'm clocking off.

Five minutes more.

"It's done. Can I go now?" I ask.

"I like it. Now get outta here, before I throw you to the dogs," she shouted.

Just another day in the House. Can't wait for tomorrow. Never can.

00523 Day 56, the Test Lamp

Sometimes a design can be so good that not only does it stand out both in form and function, but it brings new meaning to lives and raises the spirit. It inspires and elates. It combines many complex ideas in one simple entity which shines brighter than the sum of it parts and moves everyone who sees and touches it as a result. The hairs stand up on the back of the neck, the blood flows faster through the temples.

Sometimes it all just comes together and everything is just right.

This was not one of those times and this was not one of those things.

But there are little things that shine in it. This is not a metaphor, they are 3Watt LEDs.

This was for Mark, who wanted to see how resin cast in wood works with lights and different levels of diffusion.

This could not be a better example of a good concept executed badly (unless you count military coups on the African subcontinent and the subsequent reaction from the developed nations, perhaps)

Basically, each time you press the button it cycles to the next lamp (all 3W LEDs).

We got your regular clear resin on the bottom, we got your clear resin with diffusion paper, and we got two different thicknesses of clear resin diffused with colloidal silica.

And it's reprogrammable. It's the details of this one that are awesome.

I can hardly contain myself.

But I'll manage.

00522 Day 55, Sand and Sun

It was The Buddha who said,

"Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth"

I was done hiding the truth and the whole "hide the moon" project ran waaaaaaaaaay over budget.

So, in the end, I was left with only the sun.

As it turns out, it wasn't that hard to hide. I just left this on the beach for a few minutes and the kids flattened it.

00521 Day54, the Strap

Like a former fashion model, who's vanity overcame him towards the end of his marginally successful career, who has been left stranded on a deserted island with only the clothes on his back (for the sake of modesty) and who has been forced to cut his own hair after a lice infestation (probably using a stone tool of some sort, slate if he was lucky enough to find it) and for whom the idea of not being able to see the back of his own head is driving him insane(r), so my camera (hushed tones - all hail to the new camera) will never be able to directly image the spiffy strap that adorns it's rightmost strap loop.

Fortunately I always carry a small mirror tile to signal to passing ships and so was able to remedy the situation:

Now it can indirectly image the made-up whipping type knot holding together a loop of sleeved dynema which in turn is attached to a loop of shock cord (bound with the Matthew Walker two-strand) via a Prussik knot and all is finally well in the world.

P.S. in case I hadn't mentioned it, I am a former fashion model, who's vanity overcame him towards the end of his marginally successful career.

P.P.S. I am also a liar

P.P.P.S. I'm not

00520 Day 53, the TR-6

At the beginning of the 20th Century, there was a burst of scientific investigation into interplanetary travel, largely driven by the inspiration of fiction by writers such as Jules Verne and H.G.Wells. Scientists seized on the rocket as a technology that was able to achieve this in real life.

Almost a hundred years later we stand on the edge of a new era in modern extra planetary exploration.

At the cutting edge? Who else?

But even though, when the knock on the door finally comes (probably later on this week) and I open the door and sign, print and date the delivery note for the package that clearly contains my Nobel prize for rocket surgery (judging by the sound when I shake it), I don't think I'll ever be able to say it quite as well as Tsiolkovsky when he (or someone very like him) said,

"If the reaction mass would have to be accelerated from zero speed to the exhaust speed all energy produced would go into the reaction mass and nothing would be left for kinetic energy gain by the rocket and payload. However, if the rocket already moves and accelerates (the reaction mass is expelled in the direction opposite to the direction in which the rocket moves) less kinetic energy is added to the reaction mass. To see this, if, for example, v_e=10 km/s and the speed of the rocket is 3 km/s, then the speed of a small amount of expended reaction mass changes from 3 forwards to 7 km/s rearwards. Thus, while the energy required is 50 MJ per kg reaction mass, only 20 MJ is used for the increase in speed of the reaction mass. The remaining 30 MJ is the increase of the kinetic energy of the rocket and payload."

Yeah, baby.

00519 Day 52, Making a Splash

I just followed the instructions:

1. Trace the pattern onto plywood.
2. Cut out the shapes with a jigsaw.
3. Sand the newly cut shapes.
4. Takes them to the beach.
5. Impress them in the sand.
6. Remove the pieces and photograph the resulting depressions.
7. Dry the shapes.
8. cut a piece of wood to mount the shapes on to.
9. Undercoat the shapes and the wood backing.
10. paint the backing board white and the shapes red.
11. glue the shapes to the board.

And it totally worked!

Well, I did all that, but they never said what it was for.

I don't even know who they are.